Saturday Fail

It is already Friday, but I would like to tell you about last Saturday. It was a big fat fail of a day.

The sequence of events:

• Wake up, eat some breakfast, begin to assemble recently-arrived cat cabinet. The aim of the cabinet: put the little kitten's high calorie food in a place where the fat cat can't get to it. Brilliant, right? As I tightened the final screws, the cabinet door swung open and caught on our stupid bean bag chair. Boom, the door ripped off, and the crappy wood was shredded. Cat cabinet fail.
• Angry, I stalked out of the living room and into the bedroom. I punched the door in fury, intending to hit the frame. Instead, I hit the glass pane on the door. It shattered, and I bled. I mean holy crap, I punched through an f-ing window, and I have the messed up knuckles to prove it. Glass punching fail.
• Mike fired up the vacuum to get the pieces of glass away from the kitten, who expressed interest in eating them. The vacuum began to smoke, and to smell. When opened, it appeared to have melted into itself in the kind of blind misery that I was now feeling. Vacuum fail.
• I decided that the only way to fix my mood was to go for a run. While adjusting the volume on my music, I accidentally disengaged my phone from the arm holster with great force. My phone - while still in my hand - hit me in the head so hard that I saw stars and had to take a seat. Own head punching fail.
• I went home and decided it would be best not to move until Mike came home and I was properly supervised. While sitting still on the couch hoping not to screw any more shit up, I noticed that fat cat's eye was swollen. On further inspection, it was full of snot. But it wasn't snot, of course - it was infection pus. Disgusting cat eye fail.
• We made an emergency appointment at the vet, who told us that the eye medicine would cost $60. But! There was a human version at Costco that we could obtain for half the price. On the way to Costco, Mike realized that his employer is currently engaged in a campaign against Costco's environmental practices, and that being seen at Costco could prove awkward. Ethics fail.
• At Costco, we waited over an hour for a tiny tube of eye goo, surrounded by miserable obese families (this is a completely scientific observation). While checking out, we pre-ordered frozen yogurt, which is the primary benefit of Costco - you get to cut the line at the snack counter! But no, not today - the pre-order line was longer than the regular line. Despite having paid for it, we skipped the froyo. Frozen dairy fail: the greatest fail of all.

Things did get less terrible after that, but it was already 6 p.m. We wound up making pizza and staying in, because god only knows what would have happened if we had tried to go out. I probably would have gotten syphilis or eaten human poop or something.